Beginning of my story constructive criticism?

-Well the original beginning of my story was a bit too fast in that I jumped right into it. Constructive criticism is happily accepted <3



鈥淚s you鈥檙e room clean dear?鈥?Brooke鈥檚 mother called up to her.

The girl looked up from her TV and answered, 鈥淚t will be in a few minutes!鈥?

It was seven o鈥檆lock in the morning and an action movie was on and all of a sudden, she got in a James Bond mood. She jumped off of her bed and did a high kick. Hoping to land graciously was a failed attempt as she hit her bed side lamp. She cupped her hands over her mouth to stifle a laugh. 鈥淲ell I guess I can cross ninja off my list for possible jobs.鈥?

A few seconds later her mother called up again, 鈥淲hat are you doing up there?鈥?br>
鈥淐leaning! Dangerous job for my room you know!鈥?She called back.

She went downstairs after getting the broken glass from the bulb off of her floor.

鈥淪o have you thought of extracurriculars for this year?鈥?Her mother asked the moment she sat down for cereal.

鈥淣ot really. Maybe basketball or soccer again.鈥?She answered quietly.

鈥淵ou hate soccer.鈥?She said over the table.

鈥淲ell what am I expected to do?鈥?Brooke asked already knowing her mother would say something about clubs.

鈥淟ook, I want you to take self-defense classes.鈥?Her mother said looking her straight in the eye.

Brooke almost burst out laughing. Like her mother, the most protective person in the world, would let her do anything mildly dangerous.

鈥淵ou can鈥檛 be serious.鈥?Brook said while thinking of this morning鈥檚 episode of her kicking the lamp.

鈥淭omorrow is you鈥檙e sixteenth birthday. In two years you will be out on your own with almost no protection.鈥?

鈥淚鈥檓 going to school. Bye!鈥?br>
The day at school was uneventful besides the few almost happy birthdays she got from various students. She couldn鈥檛 help but wonder why her mother would want her to take defense lessons. She had nothing to defend herself from.

Soon, the school day was over and she went to soccer practice. A senior girl, Michelle, made her way over to her.

She pointed her nose in the air with her usual arrogance and said, 鈥淒on鈥檛 think that just because you鈥檙e a sophomore now means you鈥檒l be any better at the game or that we鈥檒l take it easier on you.鈥?

She abruptly walked away as Brooke mumbled, 鈥淗ello to you too.鈥?br>
After running and some scrimmaging, the coach disappeared so practice was cut off. Even though it was unlike him to leave them there she didn鈥檛 question it because she finally got a day off, even if it was only one out of the three hours that was cut off.I'll give you what I think in 10 words...



Interesting.



Simple.



Descriptive.



Has Potential.



Needs Events.



Use Excitement.



Nice.



Hope that helped :)
-"You're" actually is a contraction of "You are", so your first sentence reads "Is you are bedroom clean?". Make sure you don't mix up those kinds of words. If you are unsure just look on Google.



-Generally it's a bad idea to start with speech, so maybe try and approach your story in a different way.



-I think you could do with more details like what Brooke looks like instead of just jumping from scene to scene with nothing interesting happening.
Great, funny, and clever beginning! Not every story is perfect, and although yours is good, it has allot of flaws.



1. You go way way way way WAY to fast! Slow down and paint some detail into your story. As a reader I felt like I was watching a movie while it was fast-forwording. you went from a movie to a broken lamp to breakfast to school to soccer practice all in a few paragraphs!!! That is not good.



2. You start almost every sentence with just about every bad word to start a sentence with. Words like the, she, and a are words you should only use every once and a while.



3. Your character is very dry. Really not a character at all. She has no spunk or complexities about her at all. This goes back to number one. You need to write more, take your time and explain.



4. You really need to make a big effort to use better grammar. Use some interesting words that spice up the story.



5. Ok last I know i am going to look really mean when i say this but i have to (nothing against you just constructive) Your beginning SUCKS! A beginning is supposed to draw the reader into the story. Excite them, make them go WOW, I want to keep reading! Yours basically is a giant neon sign that says "STAY AWAY! DON'T READ!" Maybe try something like this.......



"The rich smell of Brooke's favorite meal wafted up to her room, encircling her and wrapping her up in a temptation to tear her eyes away from the gunshots and action of the James Bond movie she had randomly picked up that morning, and leap down the stairs to the call of her mothers famous pancakes."



That is the kind of thing you want to start out with. It has detail. It draws the reader in and entices them. On top of that, you already learn things about the character. For example she like pancakes and her mother is a good cook. Now that beginning still is not perfect for example I used "the" at the beginning.



Hope I helped!! :)



Oh and by the way I am not trying to be mean at all. Everything I said was meant to be constructive in every aspect and not mean to hurt anybody feelings.
When writing sentences where there is dialogue, you use commas, not full stops (periods). For instance, this is incorrect: 鈥淟ook, I want you to take self-defense classes.鈥?Her mother said looking her straight in the eye. It should be: "Look, I want you to take self-defense classes," her mother said, looking her straight in the eye. Now if you didn't specify that her mother said it, but just put "Her mother looked her straight in the eye," you would include a period at the end of the sentence. But the way you have it is not correct. You seem to do it correctly when the dialogue comes at the end of the sentence (like She abruptly walked away as Brooke mumbled, 鈥淗ello to you too.鈥? but you're not doing it correctly when it's the other way around.



I also think your teen characters do not speak accurately. I know of no teenager who would honestly say, "It will be in a few minutes." That's way too proper for most people, especially teenagers. They would say, "Just a sec," or "In a few minutes," or they would sigh and groan and just ignore it.



You're = you are (you're an alien, you're not going to eat that)

Your = that which belongs to you (your bike, your cat)



Other than the fact that part of it moves quickly without much description or introspection, it's interesting. I'd like to know why Brooke's mother is so adamant on her taking self-defense classes (much like Brooke is curious). Is this a mystery or an action story? Maybe she meets some hot guy at class, hehe.